A year of firsts without you.

Queen’s Birthday Long Weekend. This time last year we went on our last family vacation; a trip that feels like a lifetime ago that it took me a moment to realise it was in fact a year ago and not longer.

We look happy, or at least we do, in the photographs that my phone insists on replaying to me — “see memories from one year ago”.

Although the kids and I have already been on holidays without you this particular weekend, this particular holiday, reminded me of just how much has happened and how far we’ve come without you. (I am also reminded that 6yrs ago we went on our first date and with that I try to cast my mind back to the girl I was and the man I had just met — I don’t recognise them.)

It’s been a year of firsts without you, filled with milestones like the ones you would have with a newborn except there are no cute Insta-worthy plaques for this occasion.

0 months — Communicates through crying; recognising the pain and letting the tears flow, often without trigger.

1 month — Hearing is developed and responds to familiar sounds; finally listening to the words spoken by loved ones that we chose not to hear.

2 months — Begins to lift head and comforted by touch; we begin to lift oneself out of the rubble and find comfort in the arms of those who love us.

3 months — Makes eye contact and starts to babble; the realisation that voicing our experience can heal.

4 months — Eyesight becomes clearer and can see things further in the distance; the future doesn’t seem so dim.

5 months — Sees colour better; not only is the future not so dim, it’s becoming technicolor.

6 months — Laughs; that breath you’ve been holding onto is finally released and you can laugh again.

7 months — Bears weight on legs when held upright; we start to stand on our own two feet.

8 months — Distinguishes between shapes; we acknowledge our past and how things came to be.

9 months — Has learned object permanence; soul searching begins and we learn valuable lessons from our experiences.

10 months — Can often pick things up with pinch grip; we begin to pick up new habits and skills from what we have learnt from our soul search.

11 months — Stands unsupported; we begin to forge our way through this new life.

12 months — Indicates want gestures; we now know what we want and aren’t afraid to seize it.

Like every baby every relationship is different, but baby, this is where I find myself now and I’m never looking back.
I won’t lie, I thought I would miss you more but I don’t; my life has carried on without you even though you tried to assure me it wouldn’t.