Parent Like You’re Divorced: How We Should Co-Parent & Share The Mental Load

Ok. Hear me out.

What if we parented like we were divorced?

The thing that caused resentment towards my ex to build was the fact that ALL the parenting plus the management of the household fell to me. There was no discussion about this, it just happened.

We went from living separately, him managing his own place — paying rent, cleaning — to him moving in with me and me having to ask him to help vacuum, put the dirty cups in the sink or god-forbid, put a load of laundry on (“But you hang the washing better than I do.”). This was definitely the first hurdle I fell down on, and I know many other women do too. Somehow we become the manager of the house who knows when the toilet paper is running low or when the bills are due. The mental load falls to us.

And this mental load quadruples when you fall pregnant — yes, even before baby is born.

When you’re pregnant there are a tome of things you can and cannot consume. There are the obvious — alcohol and sushi (fun fact: it’s the rice, not just the raw fish, that makes sushi a no-no). But then there are the ones you would never guess like hommus (it’s the tahini), and let’s not get started on the complex calculations needed to figure out if the leftovers you put in the fridge are ok to eat. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to guess who this mental load falls on. Suddenly you can’t go a meal without second guessing whether what’s on your plate is safe to eat or not.

The mental load before baby continues when it comes to all the baby knick-knacks that you’ll need (no, don’t get the baby mobile that only plays for 5mins. Yes, you should get the video baby monitor).

And baby clothing? WHAT IS WITH ALL THE ZEROES?! The number of times I had to Google which zeroes meant how many months THEN trying to figure out what month/season it’ll be and whether I should get short sleeves or long. It was a head spin.

Before you know it, baby arrives and all you’ve discussed with your spouse is baby names and a general plan for your maternity leave (I general because I know all the plans I made for both my mat leaves never panned out). No baby book tells you about all the other things you should discuss with your spouse before baby comes like how you’re going to share the baby duties. Will mum be expected to do all the night wakings? And if she does, does that mean dad will take the morning shift so she can sleep in?

What about the division of household chores once baby arrives? In the first few months (aka the fourth trimester) bub is known to want mum more, so is she still expected to do all the cooking and cleaning?

Nobody prepares you for the additional mental load that gets dumped on you once a baby enters your life like packing away the small clothes and getting new ones when they grow out of it. Or remembering when their vaccinations are due, or when book week is coming up and whether you have a costume. And the mental load grows as your kid grows — if you guys saw my Google Calendar you would have a heart attack, and it’s mainly reminders of what the kids have on and where they need to be (you can add chauffeur to your resume once you have kids).

Now, I’m sure just reading all of this has you exhausted, and you should be. This is just a small snippet of the mental load that so many of us experience, which is why I suggest we should parent like we’re divorced and share the mental load.

In a parenting agreement you go into detail about each parent’s responsibility for the child — the more detailed, the better. Everything I’ve discussed so far, are the early years. What happens when the kid starts school? Who’s taking time off in school holidays to care for them? Think long term.

Now, I’m not saying you should see your kids 50/50 but when it comes to the division of the household and parenting duties, we should take on the responsibilities a single parent would. I don’t doubt for a second that my ex can now see the dirty dishes in the sink or that the baby’s nappy needs changing, but when we were together he turned a blind eye and say “But I don’t know how to. You do it better than me.” — eye roll.

I know this is easier said than done #mumguilt. I still remember the days when I would get a few hours to myself and I would write out a full on “How To” on looking after the baby — I made this reel the first time I went out after having Kayden and I wish I could say what you see in this video is a joke, but I legit had to do this so he knew what to do without texting me 100000x [WATCH THE REEL HERE]

What I’ve learnt in my first year of being a single mum is that, men are most definitely capable of maintaining a household (can’t vouch for the standard) and looking after their own kids. What’s holding them back, is us. We need to be able to let go. Done is better than perfect.

And for the love of GOD, can we please stop praising men for doing what us mums do? What is so impressive about a man taking his own kids down to the park alone? Also, if I hear one more person say that a dad is “babysitting” his own kids, I will lose my goddamn mind. But, I digress.

If you’re partnered up, it’s easy for resentment to build (even if you don’t have kids). We need to realise we’re all adults and we’re all capable of doing what the other person is doing, the onerous shouldn’t be on one person.

So, whether you split the duties and work as a team or split the week so you both get some down time from parenting, I honestly thing parenting like we’re divorced would be a game changer.

Would you try this in your own home?